The pages of this site and the words herein are all from a dialect shared (until now) by only two and which had special, double meaning understood only by them. That is, ainsi dire - understood. When that ends, when there is no, as you will read, sous-silence, then the words mean nothing other than their original dictionary meaning.
They are listed here with the meaning between Asa & Abner as they once held, and now - please refer to the dictionary definition at the top left of the page for a truer understanding of the world.
The only word in that book that Asa made for Abner that still applies, and that is not on this site, is the word "fin," which is to say "end."
Divest each word of its sacred double-meaning. And when you think you're done, divest again. Each word slaps until the face it leaves it red raw, not with blush, but with humiliation, shame (how could I have been so stupid?) and pain.
She should have known better. Everything is final. Nothing is sans-issue, with the exception of perhaps two days in history - unspeakable, they happened; they made-love, then non, jamais plus...et moi? moi non plus.
je m'en vais. I've had enough. I would say, ne me quittes pas, but it's too late and I wonder if even he did... did he? The echo, "I thought I understood about the .... did I? I thought I did, but then... I think I did." She told him yes, and yes and yes and yes. Always Yes. Did Abner reassure? Not so much. He told her, I didn't miss a day while you were gone of the honey... but I missed you - I shouldn't have, but I did." She knew. She missed him too. Unbearable this.
What happened? Who knows. Fright takes flight. Maybe she intervened. Maybe innocence was lost on him and he perceived some complication that was not there. Maybe Asa became the Jezebel and he the martyr and she the seductress, yet it was he who offered the fruit.
Does it matter?
He keeps the small, square, 8-page booklet in his desk, tied with her hair ribbon. It means everything to him; something she thinks, revisiting his words. Don't get too invested, she thinks. It means something. He'll treasure it because it boosts his ego. It says, "Someone like Asa once loved me this much..."
What it should tell him, what I think is this: Abner you hurtful shit, you slapped me red-raw and now you want to be what? Friends? Is this how it works? We pick up when you want and when we don't well, we don't?
Keep your little book. Keep your mid-life crisis, but take it and run, but don't come running to me.
~ fin ~
